I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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