Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
