walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
In other news, I just burned my penis
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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