I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
