Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Randomize
