I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
