i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
