I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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