All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
