Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
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