so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
