I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
