i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
