I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
