Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
