Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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