I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
