I think I am morally bankrupt
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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