Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
