Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
