Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
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