I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
