Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
