i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
