Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
