wanna go halves on a baby?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
