I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
