I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
