she woke up with a sticky ear
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
