i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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