Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
