dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
50% drunk capacity currently
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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