You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
