Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
