weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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