my phone needs a breathalizer
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
