Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
