oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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