So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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