I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
