The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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