Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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