I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
