You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Four minutes until I can fart!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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