I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
