Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
