Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
