My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
