Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
