i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
