I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
